Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.