My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber