facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.