the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
A fake ID that makes you younger
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes