i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song