“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality