People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
this is the most humiliating day of my life
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…