There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Schrödinger’s cookie
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.