You Might Also Like
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.