[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Lmbo
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*