After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
You Might Also Like
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.