FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.