Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Haha! 😂
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*