when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
relationship goals
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
God making man in his image was the original selfie