Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?