Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid