I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I created you as mosquito food.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”