My diet starts in January
of 2027
You Might Also Like
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
happy mother’s day❤️
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Mountain Goat : )
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.