[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?