Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.