If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
a god among men
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.