God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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Going into Monday like
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
the battle rages on
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts