We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
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Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
A little too much information.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.