“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
😂😂
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.