me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels