Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I have obtained a hat
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that