My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
just pretend nothing happened
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How I like cutting carbs
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me when my alarm goes off
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.