Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You Might Also Like
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!