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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
How to woo a woman
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
can you read it!!??
maan!