When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!