[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
You Might Also Like
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Every work meeting this week
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn鈥檛 want to be judged, so I鈥檓 tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I鈥檓 just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I鈥檇 like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I鈥檓 gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that鈥檚 sweet
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I鈥檓 angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We鈥檙e kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13鈥檚 unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.