Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I just love that new Pope smell.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.