I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
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Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*