[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns