[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”