AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
This makes total sense…
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it