*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Labreador
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“you recording!?”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
A classic…
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.