Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
You Might Also Like
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall