New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You Might Also Like
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
No, YOUR illiterate.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?