me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
who wants to go expliring
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince