It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I have never related to anyone more.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.