Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
You Might Also Like
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa