Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time