Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You Might Also Like
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Beware of fowl play.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.