My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.