Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*