HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
What personal space?
My dog
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.