Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Previously On Persistence 😎
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
who wants to go expliring
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Netflix and scream at our children?!
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.