Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Cats (2019)
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
23. the denim jacket