Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
United Steaks of America
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
🙋♀️
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.